
1/1/2016 IN SUMMARY
So in summary for those who need the condensed version minus my external processing:
-Chemo 6 rounds, 12 infusions, 4 1/2 months (Completed).
-Nov 10, 2015: Double mastectomy with right axillary (armpit) dissection and left auxiliary biopsy (Completed).
– Salvaged nerve needing to be rehabilitated
-Tissue removal and Armpit Dissection left considerable scar tissue and nerve damage making functional movement of my right arm very difficult…at first I couldn’t move my arm up even an inch; with rehab I could raise it but with pain from back to front and from my waist to my pinky. Currently, I have much better mobility but all the muscles do not fire for accurate movement. I still can’t raise my arm completely.
-Tissue expanders are excruciating. They stretch the little skin that they left from all directions to allow for later reconstruction (after healing from radiation). Radiation will damage a lot of skin (thus much of that skin will be rendered too damaged to reconstruct with -so it will be removed) so we have to stretch the skin a lot to have viable skin to reconstruct with after radiation. It is phase 1 of reconstruction to *over* stretch the skin they left me with. I’ve was in pain 24/7 for 7 weeks. I have permanent neuropathy.
-Narcotic pain meds make me sick and I can’t take other meds due to the status chemo left my body in…so I manage pain naturally as best I can.
-I work with various professionals 6 days a week to rehab my arm, break down scar tissue and heal the nerve. Some of these professionals are private pay due to insurance issues, some are through insurance. I have gained much function back but pain remains consistent. I have minimally 10 appointments a week with different doctors and rehab therapists.
-Radiation has started. It will be 5 days a week for 6 weeks in Poway.
-Other treatments have also started, mostly injections and medications to alter my body’s ability to produce specific things that the cancer likes to feed on. Treatment schedule is pending they don’t have to hold treatments due all the various blood counts not hold up through it, etc.
-Arm rehab will continue during radiation until the pain of radiation has sets in. Then I will have to stop rehab in the arm.
-After radiation I will have one small surgery to remove some hardware needed for chemo (My upper port). So one of 3 ports that I have will finally be removed. The two over my ribs stay in for the next year.
My doctors and team of surgeons are amazing. They did, and are doing more than I could ever ask for. They are incredible people with phenomenal gifts. I keep them laughing…they all schedule me for long appointments due to my endless questions. I adore all of their medical assistants and nurses so much. Some of them are like family to me now. I’m thankful for amazing people on my team. When it comes to my rehabilitation, I owe the majority of my healing to one man…Dr. Anthony Werbalow with Active Mobility. He is by far an expert in his field and a man of great integrity and heart. Please, let me refer you to him for any of your ailments! Without him I am certain I would not have the recovery I have had.
Now!!!!!…….for those of you who like to read through the ramblings of an external processor here are clips from my journal. I hope they give you a glimpse of hope when you find yourself in a place you’ve never walked before. Many of you know I have hesitated to post them. But this journey isn’t about ME! It’s about GOD’s hand through it all. With eyes on him and encouragement from those I seek council from– I now push “publish” and again pray this reaches hearts that yearn to be filled by the ONE that can truly fill them. Remembering that whatever ashes you may find yourself in…You too can rise!
UNEXPECTED PAIN
He is relentless in pursuing me. And because He first loved me (1 John 4:19) my soul wants to have the positive attitude I have been given since May 18th when I was diagnosed. My attitude and spirit are strong by his grace…but through this surgery I have learned just how weak the flesh is…My flesh is. He spares me from mental and emotional despair but this miserable, disheartening physical pain in my upper body and disability of my arm and hand has brought me to my knees. I realized that I was waiting to publish a journal post until I was on the other side of this. But I am all too aware that the other side of this is a long way away. So I was challenged today as I prayed…would I be honest with all of you as I have promised to be? Would I boast in my weakness so that Christ could be revealed as SURELY I know he will be in his timing? (2 Corinth 11:30)
So, here I am. Very uncomfortable and insecure with my post to you. Before you read on I need to disclose that I am all too aware that God has me, he carries me and he will see me through this. It is his promise.
Out of these ashes I will rise.
Anyone close enough to me, and in constant communication with me knows the true day to day struggles I am in and they have stood witness to the “blah” in my tone, lack of positivity in my complaining and inability to have facial affect beyond a grimace and groan. Thank you to those who have been committed to stick close to me through the bad days. May I just recognize my sister Mia and my Mama Beth for spending countless hours tending to me, my kids and my home.
Mia
My Mama
Mia, Mama, Edith Desmarais, Dawn Trevitt, Katrina Vredevelt & Jasmine Parks…Their consistent physical presence, tangible and creative help, encouragement, tolerance and love all shine a light through the dark. And to Kristen “Kiki” Tencer, Melissa Anderson, Tomika Tatum And Stephanie Hickson that stay in
constant prayer and (along with those above) text me constantly to just know how I am. Also, my sister Alice that loves me so much and Lenzy, my oncologist’s medical assistant that has become a treasured friend to me. I couldn’t do this without her.
This picture was taken when we celebrated my 37th birthday this year.
Alice, Lenzy, Tomika, Stephain, Jasmine, Dawn
Kiki
Most of all my Husband who literally does everything for me
that I can’t do by myself… right down to washing my face and fluffing every pillow. With no complaint, he selflessly is everything to me & my girls constantly and with no end. Keep filling Him to overflowing Lord! I am so grateful for him that I no longer kick him when he’s snoring at night. Poor guy deserves to snore! Thank you also to the amazing men that have supported my husband during this time as well. This picture of Christian & I was taken before my surgery by a talented friend & photographer, Mari Peterson.
11/19/2015 NINE DAYS POST SURGERY
With each pain pill I lost all affect in my face and spark in my mind. Boredom of immobility set in. I began to wonder…Will I ever swing a kettle bell or a back squat again? Will I ever be able to do a push up? I feel like my mobility will forever be altered. I couldn’t get myself dressed by myself, so it was probably silly to be mourning my ability to do push-ups…but I had worked hard to be able to have physical fitness in my adult life and being able to do it again would be a statement to this cancer that it WAS allowed to deposit perspective and goodness into my life BUT IT
WAS NOT ALLOWED to TAKE anything! Not even a single push up!
This was me Dec. 2014 at 181 Fitness. I want to do this again!
It is so hard to be in your physical body without reprieve from physical suffering. But I’m mustering up prayer. After all, I am to be joyful always; pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances. (1 Thes 5:16-18). Lord forgive me for not being this in this past week…lead me here…it is where I want you to find me. I am praying for any thought that brings me out of my physical body. Out of the pain.
There is such a strong “I don’t want to” resistance within me. “I don’t want the pain, I don’t want to work so hard to fix this, I accepted cancer but I don’t want the physical pain!” I grapple with myself…
The tug and pull between my flesh and my spirit is even less pliable that the scar tissue I had agonizingly developed.
There was a standoff that ensued between my physical body and my emotions and I disconnected emotionally and fell prey to my humanity. Being in my physical body, to the degree that I am, is deafening. The physical pain nearly silenced my ability to feel emotion. The medications rob me of clarity; all the while failing to “manage” anything. Nearly over medicated or under medicated the system of pain management failed to meet my needs. Still now, I appreciate their valiant efforts, but complexities as they were made for the days already endured. Medications were either unavailable to me due to the after math my body was in after chemo or just simply unable to monitor and modulate the several different types of pain successfully.
With the auxiliary (armpit) dissection I woke to deficits I did not expect. Gratitude beyond gratitude for the extra time one of my surgeons spent on saving the main nerve down my arm. I would gladly take the pain and nerve rehab over lifelong numbness and neuropathy. After surgery I learned that one of the surgeons advised to cut the main nerve down my arm while the other refused and continued laboriously to clean it up and save it! Later, in my post op appointment she joked about what a pain the butt I was even when I’m knocked out on her table! Love Her-Great surgeon and great person!!! It was a six hour surgery and my nerve was saved! Handling the nerve in order to save it does cause damage that needs attention. Also, the scar tissue that developed all around the large surgical site literally limits the arms ability to move correctly and without pain. I was taken aback by not having full function of my arm and hand. Dedicating my life’s career to traumatic brain injury rehabilitation I have served on an interdisciplinary team rehabilitating wounded warriors torn apart by bombs, & other TBI suffers, I witnessed all of them having to learn to move again. But now being in therapy vs being a therapist…so different! God is refining me as a cognitive therapist. My patients will surely benefit from this that I experience. I will return to my work a different person after this. It is all for good. I know this…a despite my momentary complaining…I would chose this, if given the choice, knowing it had purpose.
But for now I am 9 days away from surgery and desiring to rise from these ashes. But the embers still burn strong and scorch me as they may; without warning.
11/20/2015 PATIENCE
This morning I sit only to meditate on one command again: Be joyful always; pray continually; Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thes. 5:16-18). Lord, such things can only be granted through heaven itself because this pain leaves no margin! But the command is clear, ALWAYS & ALL. So even though I can’t see around this physical pain I cry out for the hands that hold me (John 10:28, Isaiah 41:13, Psalm 139:10) because this is his will for me.
Oh Lord thank you that you promise to turn all things to good for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:28)
All.
Not some.
All.
–He has walked me through many “words” in this journey. Words that are LIFE to me now; through experience with them. Experience beyond just the knowledge and correct semantic use of them. I have ‘lived’ the deeper meaning to all of these words now.
Faith. Love. Joy. Trust.
…Oh, Trust was the toughest of all…or perhaps I speak to soon? “Patience” was the word given to me in this phase.
Patience.
A word so counter culture, I dare admit that at nearly 37 years of age, I cannot say I have even thought it equal to other virtues worth seeking. I always pushed it off to a later age when I could then put value on it- In this modern age patience is not a virtue that we actually purpose to clothe ourselves with. …Well let me speak for myself; I won’t over generalize.
Truly, how does one live or even attempt to emulate TRUE PATIENCE, unless forced to? I am an admirer to those who have walked further in this than I. With God being the ultimate example of patience to his people in a generation such as this. I’m again grateful for his grace and mercy!
I am open to learn and I am requesting the desire to understand this word in its fullness. (Did I just say that?) I know not what I just requested, yet I know this for sure- I trust God and my God shall supply all my need . . .(Philippians 4:19). I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengths me (Phil. 4:13).
I relinquish a bit of my white knuckle control in pursuit of this word given to me. Then again, I need not look far to see it is already required of me. Up to this point things have been, oh, dare I say manageable, for lack of a better word. Perhaps, better stated God’s grace has been thick! Abundant! Complete! Sustaining! Overflowing! Even through chemo I never felt the physical reliance so strong and heavy. Chemo was more easily managed through tenacity and iron resolve to push through. This physical pain in its various forms, levels & locations is far from easy for me.
–Seeing as though I’m still wading through this process I pause here, as I cannot see fit to publish this journal without resolve that is sure to come. I stand firm as I wait for lessons learned. Albeit the lessons may continue for a long time, these lessons documented here are preliminary at best. And there we have PATIENCE again in the making…
Isn’t it interesting we call the sick a “patient”?
11/20/2015 (PM) POSTURE OF PRAISE
As I seek to find direction I am brought back to a book I read a while ago by Tim Hansel called You Gotta Keep Danicin’. I have come to ponder a few things I’ve read in this book.
I love this that he writes, “One of the great tragedies of our modern civilization is that you and I can live a trivial life and get away with it, one of the greatest advantages of pain and suffering is that it forces us to break through our superficial crusts to discover life on a deeper and more meaningful level.” (pg96) I agree that when you walk through pain and suffering it allows you to see a greater depth of life than we may not otherwise choose to see as we seek all the shiny perishables the world has to offer.
“Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. We cannot avoid pain, but we can avoid joy. God has given us such immense freedom that he will allow us to be as miserable as we want to be.” “…Joy is simple (not to be confused with easy). At any moment in life we have at least two options, and one of them is to choose an attitude of gratitude, a posture of praise, a commitment to joy.” A posture of praise…I LOVE THAT. Thank you Brett & Dana Stewart for gifting me this book.
I will rise; out of these ashes rise!
11/21/2015 TIME TO HONOR MY BODY
A little ER trip 11 days after surgery complicated things a bit. Watching my skin rise beyond normal limits and take shape of bulging golf balls gave me a scare. Hematomas, blood clots, they prove to be sure sign one is doing too much too soon, trying to rehab before due time. These hematomas provided me another opportunity to respect my body and its boundaries, so that I didn’t need a second surgery to remediate the issue. I have struggled for weeks to understand the lesson in this physical pain but I am learning to be a better steward to my body. To respect and honor this temple (1 Corinth 6: 19-20). To *literally* “Be still” (Psalm 46:10). And best of all lessons… PATIENCE.
I realized the pain was refining me. And while discomfort is likely to never fully leave, and full normal function might not be a reality for me; I will work to do whatever I can despite this and accept what I need to as it comes. If I didn’t have the ‘loss’ I’m not sure I’d have such a respect for my body, how it was made and what it is capable of doing to heal. We are a miracle! We ARE truly “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14)
Friends, pain comes. It takes many shapes, forms and spares no one from its experience. But it has purpose. Don’t ever ignore the purpose in the pain. So again, may I remind you to “consider is pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trial of many kinds…” (James 1:2)
11/22/2015 I CRY OUT
I’m growing weary of the pain and discomfort. It has its grip on me. It is so unforgiving.
“Oh, God I need you, oh I need you. Every hour I need you. My one request my righteousness, oh God how I need you.” (Matt Maher)
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make you paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
There is nothing, NOTHING that “I” can do to rise above it. I need my Father’s hand. Body broken and entangled in pain. I need rescuing. Not necessarily from the pain itself but from the stand still it has me in.
11/23/2015 ELEPHANTS
My strength in the Lord on my emotional, mental, spiritual health has been secure and stable but it has never been challenged by the physical body like this. Pray Maddy. With boldness and without doubt…He is listening always.
Adam Stadrmiller speaks about audacious prayers and bold willingness in his book Praying for your Elephants.”The boundaries of our prayers lives often have less to do with biblical restrictions and more to do with the limitations we place on them.” “What if your responsibility was simply prayer creation and you left God to the editorial and distribution responsibilities?”
One of my favorite things he writes is on page 45. “We make God small. We assign to Him what we feel is important rather than allowing Him the margin to blow out minds beyond the limits of our understanding.”
This is a simple book that God used to speak something big into me. It reminds me that God’s love and commitment to me is 100% based on who HE is…HIS character; not on mine. Maddy, pray for your elephants.
Friends, Pray with me. Tell me your elephants and allow me to pray for yours!
Thank you Paula Webb, my dear friend, for gifting me this book.
11/24/2015 WHEN I LOSE MYSELF I FIND YOU

Just like when the mirror fogs after a shower…the fog of my pain got so thick that I couldn’t see myself in the mirror. But HE cleared the fog in an instant, and when he did I didn’t see me; instead I saw Him. Like the light of dawn piercing through the dark! I could see again. Out of the dark valley and into the mountain tops of mercy. I will rise.
11/25/2015 THINGS CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE
Today I am reminded that things can always get worse! Yes, even I need this reminder… three weeks from surgery, mid tissue expansion and heading into radiation, my family got lice for the first time ever. Talk about ridiculous fun!!! But I will praise him. This world can keep bringing its struggles. Because as far as I’m concerned it only makes me run to his love that never runs out.
But Lord, with that said please let this pass! Lice and germaphobic people in crisis don’t mix! Anyone, anyone? Do you feel me???
I am blessed to have my friend, Dawn. I called her at 11:00 at night only to have her and my Mom spend the next 48 hours de-living my house since I couldn’t move. I hope all of you have a friend that would spend hours de-licing your child. All of you know I would be lost with out this woman and all the ways she helps and loves me! One of a kind my sweet friend.
11/26/15 EYELASHES THROUGH HEALING
At the height of my pain I teetered between anger that allowed me concrete stubborn thoughts that “I WILL conquer this body”–and with the swing of the pendulum– thoughts of ugly despair. Though I vacillated between feeling like a bald patch doll and a beautiful bride adorned with the Holy Spirit; I prayed that I could STAND FIRM. There came a moment when I looked closely in the mirror, as we all do, and that I saw something I found marvelous. I mean marvelous! What was it? …Eyelashes
and eyebrows. Tiny Itty bitty pale eyelashes & flourishing eyebrows. And while it is no secret I love my mascara, this wasn’t the marvel. I was witness to the miracle of how precious and complex our God is and how he has made us. Incredible! Each cell of my body, though they have been split, poisoned and beaten…literally killed, they are still able to regenerate. Dead and now alive! Goodness is sprouting. Sunshine after the rain. Green rising up through the burned land.
Out if these ashes I rise.
The pain has a purpose. My arm, chest, ribs, shoulders, muscles and bones hurts so badly because what was neurotic needed to be removed. Nerves that once were surrounded by that which tried to rob me, were manipulated, moved, and surgically altered. Surgical artistry, precision and trauma. It all happened; and it saved me. And now I must heal and rehabilitate far more than I was prepared for. God created us to heal and it’s beautiful to watch.
11/27/2016 MY NINEVEH
Priscilla Shirer speaks truth for all of us in her book Jonah, Navigating a Life Interrupted. “He has purposefully given you the higher honor of being the one HE deemed suited for a task that has heavenly implications-a task of divine partnership that will yield magnificent results for you and for His kingdom. While these benefits might not be visible at the outset, a supernatural outcome waits on the horizon for anyone who chooses to partner with God.”
Today I was given the readiness for the challenge ahead.
I will rise-I have decided…rather it was decided for me and I have agreed.
Stand up and go…This is my Ninevah (See the book of Jonah in the Bible)…
No other way to do it than to actually actively do it.
Arise and go… (Jonah 1:2)
Out of these ashes I rise.

To hear the song click here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8YLx2ZdSLJc
“Rise”
[Chorus]
Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise
Sometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew
And yet I hold on to what I know is true
[Chorus]
Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise
Well I keep on coming to this place
That I don’t know quite how to face
So I lay down my life in hopes to die
That somehow I might rise
[Chorus]
Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise
Shawn Macdonald Lyrics

Like this:
Like Loading...